 | Friday June 01, 2007 |  |
Guess Who’s Back Day! Your Mom’s back and she’s sitting on your couch. She ran off on you and your Dad when you were seven. You’re seventeen now, and you’re not doing so well. “Your Dad still suck?” she asks. “He’s making do,” you say. “He wasted a lot of time wondering where you’d gone and what he could have done to make you stay.” “He used to tell the worst jokes and he snored,” your mom says. You don’t say anything. "His breath stunk too. I’m just saying. I had my reasons.” You don’t say anything. “If you’re just gonna sit there and not say anything, maybe I shouldn’t have come back at all.” You ask your Mom, “Why did you come back?” “I wanted to see how tall you got,” she says. You stand up against the door-frame where they used to mark your height. The last mark is only three feet from the ground. Your mom marks the wood at over six feet. “Those are my genes you know,” she says. “Your Dad and his whole family are real short. Fat too.” “Is it your genes that are making me fail out of school and break into houses so that I can buy drugs?” you ask. “Or am I just doing that because my Mom ran off when I was seven?” “Sorry kid,” you Mom will say. “But I’m betting it’s because you’ve been living with your Dad all these years. I mean, man does he suck.” Just then your Dad walks into the house. He farts while chewing with his mouth open then he says something racist and makes a phone call to his real estate company to tell them to make a business deal that leaves thousands of low income families without a place to live. He’s bleeding from someplace on his body and he’s tracking blood on the carpet. “What the hell are you doing here?” he says when he sees your Mom. Your Mom takes off. After she’s gone, your Dad tries to clean up the blood with a rag that he wet with grape juice. It upsets you, but admitting that he’s doing something sucky would be siding with the mother who ran off on you all those years ago. So you get down on your hands and knees and help him rub grape juice into the carpet. While you’re down there, your Dad gets angry and hits you. (www.girlsarepretty.com) Here is another good one... | Tuesday January 02, 2007 | |
Nametag Day! Today, at the Superfresh, when your cashier asks you whether you'd like anything else. Say to her, "No, that'll be all." Then take a pause to look at the nametag on her breast, and add, "Sarah." The cashier will smile. "Actually, this isn't my nametag. I borrowed this from somebody because I left my nametag at home. But I appreciate you taking the time to address me by my first name. It seems like we all do everything we can to run from transaction to transaction, casting people out of our lives as quickly as we pull people in, making an effort to not remember a single detail of the strangers we meet in our day. I mean, if I place my fingertips to the skin of your palm when I hand you your change, are we really strangers anymore?" "Precisely," you'll say. "So what is your real name?" The cashier will say, "It's Sara, but without the H." Ask to speak to the manager and complain that Sara without the H was getting nitpicky with you. Threaten to never shop there again and he'll give you some special coupons. I've known this site is halarios, but you should really go there... Carter The Unstoppable Unsolicited Massage Machine Day! Your friend Carter is a little touchy. Not to say he�s overly sensitive. Though he could be. You can�t know who�s crying behind closed doors when the nighttime comes. No, to say Carter is touchy means that he likes to touch girls with whom he has not previously had intimate relations of any sort. Many of these are girls that he has wooed without success. Many others are girls he has just met within the hour. To touch a girl who has not previously given her permission to be touched requires a strategy if one is to not be scolded or arrested. Carter�s strategy is to come up from behind the girl he wishes to touch (surprise!) and without warning (again, surprise!) place his hands upon the girl�s shoulders and commence a massage of the girl�s shoulder and upper back tissue. Since a massage is normally a non-sexual service that relieves stress and is often paid for by the recipient, Carter may hide behind the apparent generosity of his providing such a service for free and without even needing to be asked. However, Carter has not been trained in the art of massage, and his technique often does more harm than good. Additionally, any fool can see that Carter�s motivation is not to relieve the stress of the recipient. Carter administers these massages because he likes to give himself wood. And he doesn�t like to wait until he�s attained the consent of whoever might aid in this wood-getting. It�s innocent enough and doesn�t leave many scars, but nonetheless, all of your mutual female friends have caucused and they�ve decided that tonight they will forcibly remove Carter�s hands from his wrists. They will use a hacksaw that they plan to buy later today at the hardware store. Don�t get in their way, as they�ll be forced to harm you as well. But be ready to take Carter to the hospital. Cover your backseat in plastic sheeting. Maybe you could go with your mutual female friends to the hardware store and buy a roll of plastic sheeting when they buy their hacksaw. Make a day of it. Welcome To The World Of Strep Throat Day! She didn�t seem that sick when you met her at the bar last night. But when you wake up this morning, her side of the bed will be empty. There will be crumpled up tissues everywhere. You�ll look around the apartment for her, but no dice. She clearly split while you were asleep. You�ll try to shrug it off. This isn�t the first one-night stand you found yourself in, but it still stings. You�ll go into the bathroom and turn on the light, and that�s when you�ll learn why she went home with you last night. Written on the mirror in lipstick, the long, jagged, blood-red letters will read: WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF STREP THROAT! You�ve heard about this kind of thing happening to friends of a friend, but you always figured it was just a kind of urban myth. Could there be women out there who go home with men just to infect them with strep throat? Are there strep throat patients who feel so violated at having been infected that they need to exact revenge on the entire sex of the person who infected them? You start to wonder at the politics of sex and romance and whether things have sunk to such a sad level. Then you�ll cough a bit. You�ll hold your fingers to your throat and you'll have your answer. The glands are swollen. Hope you enjoy having severe trouble swallowing for the next three days. | 
